


This Is Home

by orphan_account



Category: Red Queen Series - Victoria Aveyard
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Gen, Genderqueer Character, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Evangeline, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:48:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25481185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: 'Get a load of this monster, he doesn't know how to communicate, his mind is in a different place...will everybody please give him a little bit of space.'Evan writes me letters, telling me his story. I think I hate him for it.(Whereas Evangeline is trans and struggles with that fact, and writes letters to cope with it.)
Kudos: 3





	This Is Home

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while back, and I was so proud of it at the time. It's dark, please read the tags. 
> 
> Also, I'm not trans. I am gender fluid, but I'm not completely trans, therefore I'm just going off what I think it would feel like. I'm sorry if I got any specific things wrong-I was like 14 when I wrote this, which was two years ago. Also, the song is This is Home by Cavetown, and it's really great. Also, near the end I took inspiration from Twenty One Pilot's 'Trees' which is also a good song. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy  
> -Ally xx

**_Often I am upset_ **

**_That I cannot fall in love_ **

**_But i guess_ **

**_This avoids the stress of_ **

**_Falling out of it_ **

**Evangeline**

Nobody loves me. It’s because of who I am, and what I want to be and what I believe. It’s not my fault. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. Why does gender even exist, if it requires all this...nonsense? It’s as though I’m defined by the way I was born. 

And it’s not fair.

It’s darker than usual tonight. I could run. I still could. Tolly would be heartbroken, of course, my father would be angry, my mother would be disgusted. I send a needle into the wall, angry with myself. Elane would be...I can’t think about her. She thinks I’m a freak. But I’ll show her. I show all of them. The sun won’t be up for hours. I could do so much in one night. So, so much. But if I ran, they would haunt me in my dreams. So instead, I call to the shard of steel on my floor. And I take it to my hair, and the silver white mess falls to the floor, like it didn’t know. In a way, I suppose the poor strands didn’t know their fate. 

And I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love. I will never fall like the strands on the floor. 

**_Are you tired of me yet_ **

**_I'm a little sick right now_ **

**_But i swear_ **

**_When i'm ready_ **

**_I will fly us out of here_ **

**-Evan-**

_ Evangeline, _

_ You don’t know the half of it. I don’t think you could fathom what I’ve been through. It’s been a few weeks, since I’ve had air though both of my nostrils. It’s bright this morning, and it wasn’t as though the night was that dark. It seems to have been getting brighter. Why haven’t you called? Are you okay? I hope you know you can always talk to me. I feel like I’m being suffocated. But I’ll come and get you eventually, okay? I promise. I hope you're not tired of me.  _

_ Always, _

_ E. _

**_Cut my hair_ **

**_To make you stare_ **

**_Hide my chest_ **

**_And i’ll figure out_ **

**_A way to get us out of here_ **

**Evangeline**

The morning comes slowly. I didn’t sleep, and Evan’s letter trembles in my hands. Why haven’t you called? Are you okay? No. I’m not okay. And I believe this letter is a figment of my own imagination. I cleaned up my hair soon after I shed it, and my head feels better now. The binder I own will go to good use today, for I am no longer Evangeline. And my family will care. And others will care. Cal will care, Maven will care, and does anyone else care? I think they would. But the glass has shattered. And I don’t know if I could ever go back to who I was before. Back to what I was before. 

The only person who won’t care is Evan. And I don’t even know if he’s real, or just a figment of my own imagination. 

  
  
  


**_Turn off your porcelain face_ **

**_I can’t really_ **

**_Think right now_ **

**_And this place_ **

**_Has too many colors_ **

**_Enough to drive all of us insane_ **

**-Evan-**

_ Evan, _

_ I am surrounded by people, so I apologize if my handwriting is horrible. I’m kind of buzzed. Ptolemus and Cal are being weird, and Elane keeps nibbling on my neck. I’m at a pride parade, and there are so many colors! Flags are waving, music is playing, and it’s so much fun. I wish you were here. But I know you’re going through things. I’m going to come get you. I promise, Evan. Nice name change. You know I love you. Stop worrying so much, we are going to get out of here. I mean I’m going to get you out of here. I promise.  _

**_Are you dead_ **

**_Sometimes I think_ **

**_that i'm dead_ **

**_Cuz i can feel ghosts_ **

**_And ghouls_ **

**_Wrapping my head_ **

**_But I don't wanna fall asleep_ **

**_Just yet_ **

**Evan**

I look at myself in the mirror

And I hate what I see

I see a girl

And I see me

I see feminine features

For men to devour

I look and wait

For the hour

Where my chest shall be flat

And I see me

What I’m supposed to see

No feminine features

And someone to hold

But that’s useless thought

I have been told

That I am a girl,

Little old me

Never ever

Shall I be free

I think.

My vision blurs. My vision spots. Blind. Falling, Falling, Fell. Floor, carpet, smells like dust. Bitter taste in my mouth. Mouth opens. Taste carpet now, bitter taste not so bad. Smells like dust. Smells like dust. Tear falls from my eye. Warm, wet. I fell. I fell. I fell. I fell. I fell. Smells like dust. Bitter taste. Painful silence. No creak. No sound. Just my heartbeat. Until my lungs work again and my throat works again and my vocal chords almost tear apart when I scream out a most horrible sound. 

“ _ Oh My God _ !”

I push myself up with my ragged fingers. They fell off. But they work. Then I crawled to the toilet, and stick one of the fallen off fingers down my torn apart throat and my body pushes up the bitter pieces of candy and my dinner and my feelings and my entire soul.

_ I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t do this. _

I can’t believe I tried to do this.

  
  
  


**_My eyes went dark_ **

**_And I don’t know where_ **

**_My pupils are_ **

**_But i'll figure out a way_ **

**_To fly us out of here_ **

**_-Evan-_ **

_ I’m having so much fun. Ptolemus is being weird, though. He says something is wrong with you. But you’re fine. We’re fine, Right? My visions been blurry recently, I don’t know why. I’ve been tasting something bitter every time I open my mouth. And my pupils sometimes disappear when I look in the mirror. No one else sees it. Probably just me. I’m going to come and get you. I promise. I have to go. Elane is calling me.  _

**_Get a load of this monster_ **

**_He doesn't know how to communicate_ **

**_His mind is in a different place_ **

**_Will everybody please give him_ **

**_A little bit of space_ **

**Evan**

“Shut up. Just shut up!” I scream at him. I rip up the letter. He will never come for me. He isn’t real. He’s just a figment of my imagination and he’s so mean because he’s all I want to be and he’s got all I want to have but I can’t have it and—

“Eve?” My brother stands in my doorway. He takes in my ragged appearance, my uneven haircut, my tear struck face. He speaks again. “What happened to your hair—what’s wrong, who were you yelling at?” A stream of questions flood out of his mouth, and his face twists up with every observation he makes about me, my room, and his own realization.

“Ptolemus .” I choke out, but he backs away. He looks so hurt and angry and disappointed. “It’s me, Tolly, I’m still me. I’m just…I’m just a  _ boy. _ ” I look at him, his Adam’s-Apple bobbing, his big hands clenched into fists, like he wants to hit me or hit something. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” This was followed by a sob, and then he wiped his tears off with his hands and he hugged me. He was still taller than me, his chest was still hard whereas mine was soft, his hands were rougher and bigger than mine, he was purely masculine, and I was a wannabe compared to him. But he pulled away, looked at me, wiped away my tears, and sat me down. 

He shaped the metal shards I had laying around into a razor, where he cut my hair properly. It was even and a man’s haircut. He held my hand until my throat opened up and threw up words I was to never say to anyone. 

“I tried to kill myself, Tolly.” 

“What?” 

“Four days ago. I was in the bathroom. I had a mouth full of pills. I swallowed them. I watched myself in the mirror as they almost killed me. But I don’t know what happened, I made myself throw them back up. I haven’t left my room since.”

“Are you…are you okay?”

“No.”

“Will you be okay?”

“Yes. If you stand with me.”

“What do I call you now?”

“Evan. I like Evan.”

“Of course I’ll stand with you, Evan.”

“What about mom and dad?”

“That’s a question you know the answer to.”

“I love you, Ptolemus.”

“I love you, Evan.”

**_Get a load of this train-wreck_ **

**_His hair’s a mess_ **

**_And he doesn't know_ **

**_Who he is yet_ **

**_But little do we know_ **

**_The stars_ **

**_Welcome him_ **

**_With open arms_ **

**Evan**

_ I know where you stand _

_ I know where you stand _

_ I know where you stand _

_ In the abyss of dreams _

_ I know what it means  _

_ To love the defeat _

_ To try to make ends meet _

_ To justify being incomplete  _

_ I know what it means _

_ To love someone  _

_ To want them to love you _

_ To love the defeat _

_ To see _

_ To see _

_ I want to know _

_ I want to see _

_ I want to say  _

_ I want to say _

_ I want to say _

_ I want to say “Hello” _

**_Time is_ **

**_Slowly_ **

**_Tracing his face_ **

**_But strangely_ **

**_He feels at home in this place_ **

“Hello, Elane.”

“Hello Evan.”

“Hello Maven.”

“Hello Evan.”

“Hello Cal.”

“Hello Evan.”

“Hello Mare.”

“Hello Evan.”

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

**_Hello Evan._ **

  
  


**Evan.**

**My Name Is Evan Samos.**

  
  



End file.
